Cat/Animal Humor

When God had made the earth and sky, the flowers and the trees,
He then made all the animals, the fish, the birds and bees.
And when at last He'd finished not one was quite the same.
He said I'll walk this world of mine and give each one a name.
And so He traveled far and wide and everywhere He went,
a little creature followed Him until its strength was spent.
When all were named upon the earth and in the sky and sea,
the little creature said "Dear Lord, there's no name left for me."
Kindly the Father said to him "I've left you to the end.
I've turned my own name back to front
And called you DOG, my friend".

Author Unknown
Posted from Diana Ybarra's Facebook

The Ten Cat-mandments
1. I am Lord of the house
2. Thou shall have no other pets before me
3. Thou shall never ignore me
4. I shall ignore thee whenever I choose
5. Thou shall be grateful that I give thee the time of day
6. Thou shall remember my food dish and keep it full
7. Thou shall provide abundant toys and treats for me
8. Thou shall always have a lap ready for me to curl up in
9. Thou shall shower me with attention
10. Above all, thou shall do anything it takes to keep me happy

borrowed from Mission Impawsible

Cat Weather Lore
* A sneezing cat means rain on the way, and three sneezes in a row portends a cold for the cat's human!
* A cat running wildly about, darting here and there and clawing everything in sight means wind or a storm is on the way; when the cat quiets down, the storm will soon blow itself out.
* Cats washing over their ears has long been held to foretell rain; the old rhyme goes 'When Kitty washes behind her ears, we'll soon be tasting heaven's tears.
* A cat which rolls over and over in the grass, claws the ground and behaves in a skittish manner, is indicating that a brief rain-shower is on the way.
* When the cat is restless and moves from place to place without settling, it is foretelling hard winds.
* A cat who sits with its back to the fire is said to be a portent of frost.
* When a cat spends the night outdoors and caterwauls loudly, it may be foretelling a period of several days' bad weather.

The Cat Owners Prayer
Because I'm only human, it's sometimes hard to be
The wise, all-knowing creature that my cat expects of me.
And so I pray for special help to somehow understand
The subtle implications of each proud meowed command
Oh, let me not forget that chairs were put on earth to shred
And what I like to call a lap is actually a bed
I know it's really lots to ask but please, oh please, take pity
And though I'm only human, make me worthy of my Kitty!!!

author Unknown

Cat Prayer
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray this cushy life to keep.
I pray for toys that look like mice,
And sofa cushions, soft and nice.
I pray for gourmet kitty snacks,
And someone nice to scratch my back,
For windowsills all warm and bright,
For shadows to explore at night.
I pray I'll always stay real cool
And keep the secret feline rule
To NEVER tell a human that
The world is really ruled by CATS!

~ Author Unknown

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary...
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Diary
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage..

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.........

This is a great link- It is a war on words between the Catholic and Presbyterian churches on whether or not dogs go to heaven. If you haven't seen this yet, it is pretty humorous.